totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
