mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
