Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
