he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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