Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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