Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
