theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
