saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
