She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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