I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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