our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
