I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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