she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
