Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
