I can tuck mytits in my pants
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize