i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
