Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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