i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
