Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
