I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
