There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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