You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She bit a glass in half.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
