if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I want her autograph on my taint
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
