i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
