I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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