listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
