She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
