Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
