He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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