So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
