upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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