I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
