I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
