There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
