i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
