So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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