There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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