i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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