so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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