Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
