we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
