He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
