Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
