remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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