I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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