I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
