Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
