Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
