i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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