We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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