Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
