i just had sex bonerless
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
