Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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