I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
