My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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