Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
