..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
