I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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