32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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