how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
